Moving Quotes & Poems

There are times when I am surfing Pinterest mostly, and I come upon some of the most moving quotes and poems. Some make me burst out in laughter, but the ones that I truly love are the ones that cause that burn in the back of  your throat, tears in the corners of your eyes, and say everything that you are feeling but cannot say out loud.

I will share a few that move me, since I am struggling to write today.

‚ú®Making the most out of very little given.. Never a choice, just is what it is.. I will always be free..never again controlled, belittled, dominated and forced ever again!:

 

 

 

With love, www.InterracialDesires.net www.RichSinglesDate.net www.ChristianPartner.co www.AkuaHinds.com:

 

 

 

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And today I realized that I am the biggest hypocrite of them all. I tell everyone to keep holding on, that there is light at the end. That everything gets better as long as you continue to wait. I always tell people to have hope. That they need to keep trying because it is too early to give up, that they have so much to live for. Then there is me, and I am barely holding on.:

 

 

 

 

Heartbreak changed the climate of her heart, made her less trusting of love - r. h. Sin:

 

A part of her heart...:

The Sadness by a quiet poet:

 

Feel free to comment with some quotes or poems you find moving.

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A New Chapter

I return to this blog after a couple of months of soul-searching. My results from 23andMe came in, and I was left to face what I longed to leave behind. The man I never knew was thrown back into my life with my DNA results. Turns out my DNA relatives were many, and of those many relatives, a majority belonged to his family. Nice to see you again my demons.

Just like that, the obsession to find my birthfather was back. I searched every link I found on him, searched through Ancestry like a person gone mad, and then I made the choice to make contact. I had hit so many brick walls, and I was exhausted. What did I have to lose?

Beautiful letter forms. Type by @novia_jonatan - #typegang - typegang.com | typegang.com #typegang #typography:

Monday, May 22nd, 2017, I heard my father’s voice for the first time in my life.

This is what I had hoped for 35 years, right? This is all I wanted, right? Yes, and at the same time No. My life revolved around searching, how do I not search? That’s all I have ever known. Don’t get me wrong, I am happy I found him and that we had a wonderful conversation. He didn’t try to argue the results, and it was all I could ask for honestly. As it sank in though, fear stepped in. How do I live this life? I am at a place I have never been before, and that sweet, little girl that I have protected all these years, she’s at peace now.

Then it hits you so much harder than you ever thought it would #missingyou #loss Missing You: 22 Honest Quotes About Grief:

I have never known peace, what do I do with this? It didn’t take long for anxiety to step up to the plate. Worry set into place, as he told me that his wife and oldest daughter do not find this “new addition” to be a good thing. So¬†do I¬†try to somehow control the situation with my passive-aggressive ways, as I do with so many situations in my life? Or do I let go of control, and let¬†it take its¬†course? I know what I should do, it’s doing it that gets me (into trouble mostly).

I have been told that it is time for me to be happy. That so many times in my life, my attempts to control a situation have basically ruined any chances of a good relationship,¬†no matter¬†the type,¬†remaining good. My attempts at controlling a situation only cause more damage. So I will take that advice, and apply it as best I can, as I never have been here before. I have lived by the “fake until you make it” concept, and I have made it.¬† I have accomplished my main goal in life, so it is time for new goals. That advice couldn’t have been more on point, it is time for me to be happy.

#livehappy                                                                                                                                                      More:

I will strive to no longer live in the past, and I will no longer pay for the mistakes of my past, though there are many. As you see, I cannot find happiness in my past, I can only find it in my present, and apply that to my future. Life is about choices, and happiness is my choice. I may make mistakes along the way, but I will do my best to have a happy life.

Don't be afraid to make mistakes:

and my number one goal for now is to….

Summer Time hey baby I can't wait until we're on are honeymoon we'll I luvs ya my phone bout to go dead so I post some more later in the mean time rember I luvs ya miss ya ant want to be with ya:

I’m Listening Lord…

I’ve fallen down on my “job” of blogging the past week and half. I felt I had nothing to contribute, and quite frankly I was so confused I didn’t know what to say. I have been trying my best to lead a more positive life, and release the negativity that’s been pulling me under. Lately the negativity has been winning the battle.

A negative mind will never give you a positive life #Quote #Positivity #Inspiration:

Continue reading “I’m Listening Lord…”

My Soul Craves Pie

Well finally a food entry!

The weather here in the South is beautiful with Spring approaching quickly, and with that weather comes one of my favorite springtime treats. My mom would make these and we’d sit on the porch eating pie and admiring all the azaleas in the front yard. One of her many pride and joys.

Limeade Pies

2 premade graham cracker crust pie shells (9″)

1 (14 ounce) can of Eagle Brand condensed milk (has to be Eagle Brand)

1 (6 ounce) can of limeade frozen concentrated juice

1 container of Cool Whip

2 drops of green food coloring if you’d like

  • Mix all the ingredients together until the mixture is smooth, and pour into the graham cracker crust pie shells. Cover and place in the freezer to set for at least 1 hour. Slice and enjoy with your favorite pie toppings or just as it is.

 

Image result for limeade pie
*photo courtesy of Google- until I make my own and I can assure you it won’t be as pretty

 

 

My 23andMe Adventure

** This is an ongoing Blog and will be updated as things progress**

 

For anyone considering the 23andMe DNA test, here is a timeline and my experience with it.

23andMe - Genetic Testing for Ancestry; DNA Test  Random, interesting and maybe a little scary too...:
*Photo Courtesy of 23andMe.com

 

 

My reason for testing – I’m an adoptee. My maternal grandparents adopted me at birth, and I have known my birthmother my entire life. Birthfather = undetermined. Contact has been made with him once before, but he denied it….so here I am.


Saturday, February 25th, 2017 – Ordered my test!!!

I am so stinking excited and scared out of my mind at the same time. What have I done? Will this cause more undue heartache? Will this give me the peace of mind that I feel I am constantly searching for?

sleepinsidemysoul:


Monday, February 27th, 2017 – The test has been shipped! What??? *Cue the butterflies*

The email came through while I was out running around town on lunch. My first thought, “well that escalated quickly”. ¬†As much as I have wanted this and for as long as I have wanted this, I am feeling hesitant now. But I am my father’s (grandfather) child, the money is spent it’s too late to turn back now.

I just don't have time for the nervous breakdown I deserve:


Tuesday, February 28th, 2017 – Seriously??

I am actually finding a little humor in this! I live in the Carolinas, and here it is my package is mailed from North Carolina across country! I could have taken a road trip.

Image result for confused gif


Saturday,¬†March 4th, 2017 – It’s arrived!

20170304_154849.jpg


Monday, March 6th, 2017 – Time to spit! Ewwwww

20170306_084400.jpg


Tuesday, March¬†14th, 2017 – ¬†The waiting game is on…..the sample was received March 11th.

Image result for animated anxiously waiting funny

The Overwhelming Mind

Looking at all the depression posts and knowing just how much I relate to them makes me want to cry.: Anxiety does not schedule an appointment with you so it can strike at an appropriate time. It is¬†less predictable¬†than a tornado, and destroys the mind much the same as one. There is no logical side to anxiety; in fact it is utterly irrational, but the fear anxiety generates is real…to those who suffer with it.

Anxiety preys on every single, miniscule insecurity you have, and it will take that insecurity and create some of the most gargantuan, terrifying thoughts. Anxiety leaves you feeling as if  you have been chewed up, spit out, and stomped on. Anxiety is a lifetime prison sentence, only to be to some small degree controlled by medicines, herbs, prayer, breathing exercises, and at times a combination of all.

People will tell you that you must face your fears to overcome them, that you worry too much, that you don’t trust them, that it was just your imagination.death depression sad suicidal suicide lonely anxiety alone broken Monsters die dead dying depressing mental illness mental health TW Trigger demons depressive mental disorder trigger warning panic attack depressing quotes panic disorder dying inside anxiety attacks depressing thoughts: People don’t understand anxiety and panic attacks unless they suffer with them. I don’t say “deal with them” because you don’t deal with anxiety. Anxiety will make you suffer, and when the anxiety is strong enough to bring on a full blown panic attack, the mind is ready to deliver the most¬†intense torture you can imagine. Anxiety’s target is not society. Anxiety targets its carrier. YOU are the target, and it means to destroy YOU! There is no escaping your own mind, so you are trapped there alone with two choices:

#1. Fight!

#2 Surrender!

When I am becoming anxious, my first thought is “Oh no, not today, please, please not today.”. When that anxiety starts to escalate, my thoughts change to “Just breathe, hopefully it will pass…deep breaths and blow. What was that breathing exercise again? Crap I can’t remember it.” When anxiety is in full scale attack, I start praying through the tears,¬†whether it is out loud, or just my thoughts “God please make it stop, please, please, please, I don’t want to go there. God please I can’t!” And when that same anxiety sets off panic attacks that create physical pain so excruciating and terrifying, my thoughts go to “I’m dying, is this a heart attack? I am going to die, God please help!”. Those are just the general thoughts, which combine with whatever fear or torture anxiety is creating at the time.

People who suffer with anxiety tend to overthink everything. They tend to second guess themselves. They are not trusting, because anxiety will not let them be. Anxiety drives the mind to create doubt in every aspect, so confidence is not high. People who suffer with anxiety want control. The thought of controlling everything around them will put anxiety at ease. There is little to no room for anxiety to slip in right? Wrong, because anxiety is degrading and will cause them to feel that what they are doing is not good enough. So we turn to perfection, and add to the load of controlling everything and the cycle continues…until we break. The load gets too heavy and we crumble.

So.. I guess I have depresion I don't give a fuck about anything in my life no more but at the same time all the little stupid things are like hell for me: I suffer from anxiety, depression, and PTSD. No I am not military, a common misconception with PTSD. I live in constant fear of everything, but I am functional. I work Monday through Friday, I am a mother with children that have their own anxieties, I am sociable, I have a relationship with John which anxiety tries its best to destroy, and I travel. I carry my medicine with me everywhere I go because I never know when an attack will take place. I have had a full blown panic attack in Walmart which included dry heaves, sweating, chest pains, and going to my car to hide until it passed. I have flashbacks which I can’t discuss because they trigger my anxiety. I rarely dream, but on the occasion that I do dream…my dreams are never sweet!

We all cope with our anxieties differently. What works for me, may not work for you. I have not found any certain way to cope because each attack is different from the last and must be dealt with accordingly, but if you have I am proud of you. It takes a strong person to keep up the fight. So I will do what I do best and that is to smile through the pain, breathe, pray hard, and most importantly (for me) laugh at it!!

This is the best, most brief, most accurate way I have ever seen anxiety summed up.:

Hello 40!

Five days into my 40’s and I am loving it!

Celebrating my 40th birthday with my love, John, was absolutely wonderful and hilarious. He and I have the best times together! He’s an amazing man. 

Saturday, I had a chance to continue the celebration with two of my sisters, oldest daughter, and my oldest niece. Great food, sunshine, springtime weather, and shopping combined with lots of laughter made for a wonderful day. 

What is about birthdays that makes you think about all the things you want to do? Is it the thought that you are “running out of time” so to speak? Or is it a process of maturing? Whatever it is, I am definitely experiencing it!

So to announce my new adventures…

  • Yesterday I placed my order for my 23 and Me dna kit!!! I am ecstatic about finding out “who” I am. Being adopted, I often deal with a feeling of lost identity regardless of the fact it was a family adoption. I don’t know the other half of me, so I am taking advantage of my options.
  • Golf! Yes, I said golf. John loves golfing, and I thought “wow, what better way to enjoy our time together than being outside enjoying nature, and having some laughs?”. We can laugh at ourselves better than anyone can, and we are not competitive against one another. We enjoy each other’s company, and he has so much patience with me that I am sure he will help me learn the game. 

I, of course, realize that my birthday was no different than the day before. The only change was my age. I have to make the changes that I want to see happen. There’s no fairy godmother waving her magic wand changing my life for the better. That’s my job! 

I still have things from my past to get over, but I am very proud to say that the depression I usually feel on, and around, my birthday was not present this year. I have truly managed to release some of the hostility I held against my unknown, biological father. He is no longer controlling my thoughts with his constant “presence” since I chose to release him. 

There are many things left for me to conquer..smoking, hostility towards Disney World, insecurities a plenty which involves abandonment  (another lovely side effect of being an adoptee), and the list goes on. However, I do keep in mind that with John by my side I can overcome any obstacles in my path. He has no idea how he strengthens me. 

To go back in time

In a time of such upheaval with protests a plenty, and women marching around in pink knit hats representative of the female genitalia, I find myself longing to go back in time.

Image result for womens march vagina                   Image result for protests since january 2017

I understand that women of the past protested and fought for “our” rights, but I am sorry these people of today are not marching for me. But I wander off subject, because I am not going to get into politics. My opinions are just that…my opinions.

I have always loved the late 1940’s & 1950’s. The modest, feminine, ladylike fashion. The ability to stay at home with the children keeping house, while the husband goes out and earns a living for the household. There are many other things I love about that era as well. I know I have probably caused a few heads to shake just by writing the last two sentences, but again My opinion is my opinion. My dreams are my dreams.

vintage housewife:
Yes, I realize this is only an illustration.

 

I know times were not always easy, the husband was not always loving, and there were struggles then, just as there are now. But let me explain a little bit about me….

I dream of homesteading. Going off the grid, and living life away from all of the commotion (and I already live in a pretty rural area – so even rural areas are crowded to me). Growing my own food, and storing it for the winter months. I love cooking, and cleaning! But after working a pretty normal 40 hour week, I don’t want to spend my free time cooking or cleaning. Handling the kids schoolwork, and attending meetings….you guessed right! I already handle that along with my job.

seasonalwonderment: ‚Äúlovely summer clouds by Mike Reva on Flickr. ‚ÄĚ:
It looks so peaceful. I want to go there.

I grew up on a small farm, in a rural area of the Carolina’s. We had horses, a summer and fall garden, preserved vegetables, cut our own firewood, raised pigs for barbequing and storing meat, fished from the nearby rivers for only what we wanted to eat (none of this catch and release mess) and we wasted very, very little. Life was simpler!

 

……to be continued! Another 40 hour week on the books. I need to learn to talk-blog (is that a thing?) on my hour ride home.

Running away

I can remember being 9 or 10 years old, and fantasizing about running away from home. Practicing my packing skills so I could carry what I “needed” with me, which consisted of  stuffed animals I didn’t want to leave behind. I was obsessed with Huck Finn, and wanted to be just as adventurous as he was in the stories.

Drapetomani: an overwhelming urge to run away:

Turns out that urge has never left me. Even now I find myself wanting to run away on adventures. Life can easily get mundane with the constant repeat of the same activities. Wake up, school drop off, work, pick up the child, home, homework, dinner, baths, and to bed just to get up the next day to do it all over. Day after day, and the weekends are to rest up so we can pull another week of the same ol’ thing. It’s been many times that others have tried to make me feel guilty for wanting to break the monotony, and there have been times where I have felt guilty.

Image result for guilty gif

Maybe I ask for too much, but at the end of the day it’s me that has to live with the emptiness I feel. I don’t need expensive cruises, or resort islands. I don’t need to drive across country, or shop in Manhattan. I just want to see things, and experience things. I want to be out, and feel alive like only wandering can make me feel.

the lord of the rings wallpaper iphone - Buscar con Google:

I revel in getting “lost”. Seeing a different view, breathing different air, interacting with different people, anything but the everyday norm that society crams us into. I understand routine = structure, and structure is wonderful to have in your job, raising children, and keeping a home. I will not argue that structure is a must, but for some of us too much structure smothers our very being.

Ahhh, yes!!!  I have to always be doing something new.:
It’s even written in my stars…

I suffer from anxiety, and feeling stuck drums up every anxious thought possible it seems. My anxiety strikes out against me in every way possible. I question my choices, people’s feelings for me, will I die lonely and unhappy, will my children remember me as an unhappy person,….oh it can go on and on. If you have anxiety then you know very well how it can lead to depression, and the simple act of smiling becomes a chore. Why do I do this to myself? I know what I need, but I tend to put everyone and everything ahead of what I am needing until I feel like I am drowning in responsibility.

 

Paulo cohelo one of my favorite writers:

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