There are times when I am surfing Pinterest mostly, and I come upon some of the most moving quotes and poems. Some make me burst out in laughter, but the ones that I truly love are the ones that cause that burn in the back of your throat, tears in the corners of your eyes, and say everything that you are feeling but cannot say out loud.
I will share a few that move me, since I am struggling to write today.
Feel free to comment with some quotes or poems you find moving.
I return to this blog after a couple of months of soul-searching. My results from 23andMe came in, and I was left to face what I longed to leave behind. The man I never knew was thrown back into my life with my DNA results. Turns out my DNA relatives were many, and of those many relatives, a majority belonged to his family. Nice to see you again my demons.
Just like that, the obsession to find my birthfather was back. I searched every link I found on him, searched through Ancestry like a person gone mad, and then I made the choice to make contact. I had hit so many brick walls, and I was exhausted. What did I have to lose?
Monday, May 22nd, 2017, I heard my father’s voice for the first time in my life.
This is what I had hoped for 35 years, right? This is all I wanted, right? Yes, and at the same time No. My life revolved around searching, how do I not search? That’s all I have ever known. Don’t get me wrong, I am happy I found him and that we had a wonderful conversation. He didn’t try to argue the results, and it was all I could ask for honestly. As it sank in though, fear stepped in. How do I live this life? I am at a place I have never been before, and that sweet, little girl that I have protected all these years, she’s at peace now.
I have never known peace, what do I do with this? It didn’t take long for anxiety to step up to the plate. Worry set into place, as he told me that his wife and oldest daughter do not find this “new addition” to be a good thing. So do I try to somehow control the situation with my passive-aggressive ways, as I do with so many situations in my life? Or do I let go of control, and let it take its course? I know what I should do, it’s doing it that gets me (into trouble mostly).
I have been told that it is time for me to be happy. That so many times in my life, my attempts to control a situation have basically ruined any chances of a good relationship, no matter the type, remaining good. My attempts at controlling a situation only cause more damage. So I will take that advice, and apply it as best I can, as I never have been here before. I have lived by the “fake until you make it” concept, and I have made it. I have accomplished my main goal in life, so it is time for new goals. That advice couldn’t have been more on point, it is time for me to be happy.
I will strive to no longer live in the past, and I will no longer pay for the mistakes of my past, though there are many. As you see, I cannot find happiness in my past, I can only find it in my present, and apply that to my future. Life is about choices, and happiness is my choice. I may make mistakes along the way, but I will do my best to have a happy life.
and my number one goal for now is to….
A Sunday walk….
I’ve fallen down on my “job” of blogging the past week and half. I felt I had nothing to contribute, and quite frankly I was so confused I didn’t know what to say. I have been trying my best to lead a more positive life, and release the negativity that’s been pulling me under. Lately the negativity has been winning the battle.
Well finally a food entry!
The weather here in the South is beautiful with Spring approaching quickly, and with that weather comes one of my favorite springtime treats. My mom would make these and we’d sit on the porch eating pie and admiring all the azaleas in the front yard. One of her many pride and joys.
Limeade Pies
2 premade graham cracker crust pie shells (9″)
1 (14 ounce) can of Eagle Brand condensed milk (has to be Eagle Brand)
1 (6 ounce) can of limeade frozen concentrated juice
1 container of Cool Whip
2 drops of green food coloring if you’d like
** This is an ongoing Blog and will be updated as things progress**
For anyone considering the 23andMe DNA test, here is a timeline and my experience with it.
My reason for testing – I’m an adoptee. My maternal grandparents adopted me at birth, and I have known my birthmother my entire life. Birthfather = undetermined. Contact has been made with him once before, but he denied it….so here I am.
Saturday, February 25th, 2017 – Ordered my test!!!
I am so stinking excited and scared out of my mind at the same time. What have I done? Will this cause more undue heartache? Will this give me the peace of mind that I feel I am constantly searching for?
Monday, February 27th, 2017 – The test has been shipped! What??? *Cue the butterflies*
The email came through while I was out running around town on lunch. My first thought, “well that escalated quickly”. Â As much as I have wanted this and for as long as I have wanted this, I am feeling hesitant now. But I am my father’s (grandfather) child, the money is spent it’s too late to turn back now.
Tuesday, February 28th, 2017 – Seriously??
I am actually finding a little humor in this! I live in the Carolinas, and here it is my package is mailed from North Carolina across country! I could have taken a road trip.
Saturday, March 4th, 2017 – It’s arrived!
Monday, March 6th, 2017 – Time to spit! Ewwwww
Tuesday, March 14th, 2017 –  The waiting game is on…..the sample was received March 11th.
Anxiety does not schedule an appointment with you so it can strike at an appropriate time. It is less predictable than a tornado, and destroys the mind much the same as one. There is no logical side to anxiety; in fact it is utterly irrational, but the fear anxiety generates is real…to those who suffer with it.
Anxiety preys on every single, miniscule insecurity you have, and it will take that insecurity and create some of the most gargantuan, terrifying thoughts. Anxiety leaves you feeling as if you have been chewed up, spit out, and stomped on. Anxiety is a lifetime prison sentence, only to be to some small degree controlled by medicines, herbs, prayer, breathing exercises, and at times a combination of all.
People will tell you that you must face your fears to overcome them, that you worry too much, that you don’t trust them, that it was just your imagination.
People don’t understand anxiety and panic attacks unless they suffer with them. I don’t say “deal with them” because you don’t deal with anxiety. Anxiety will make you suffer, and when the anxiety is strong enough to bring on a full blown panic attack, the mind is ready to deliver the most intense torture you can imagine. Anxiety’s target is not society. Anxiety targets its carrier. YOU are the target, and it means to destroy YOU! There is no escaping your own mind, so you are trapped there alone with two choices:
#1. Fight!
#2 Surrender!
When I am becoming anxious, my first thought is “Oh no, not today, please, please not today.”. When that anxiety starts to escalate, my thoughts change to “Just breathe, hopefully it will pass…deep breaths and blow. What was that breathing exercise again? Crap I can’t remember it.” When anxiety is in full scale attack, I start praying through the tears, whether it is out loud, or just my thoughts “God please make it stop, please, please, please, I don’t want to go there. God please I can’t!” And when that same anxiety sets off panic attacks that create physical pain so excruciating and terrifying, my thoughts go to “I’m dying, is this a heart attack? I am going to die, God please help!”. Those are just the general thoughts, which combine with whatever fear or torture anxiety is creating at the time.
People who suffer with anxiety tend to overthink everything. They tend to second guess themselves. They are not trusting, because anxiety will not let them be. Anxiety drives the mind to create doubt in every aspect, so confidence is not high. People who suffer with anxiety want control. The thought of controlling everything around them will put anxiety at ease. There is little to no room for anxiety to slip in right? Wrong, because anxiety is degrading and will cause them to feel that what they are doing is not good enough. So we turn to perfection, and add to the load of controlling everything and the cycle continues…until we break. The load gets too heavy and we crumble.
I suffer from anxiety, depression, and PTSD. No I am not military, a common misconception with PTSD. I live in constant fear of everything, but I am functional. I work Monday through Friday, I am a mother with children that have their own anxieties, I am sociable, I have a relationship with John which anxiety tries its best to destroy, and I travel. I carry my medicine with me everywhere I go because I never know when an attack will take place. I have had a full blown panic attack in Walmart which included dry heaves, sweating, chest pains, and going to my car to hide until it passed. I have flashbacks which I can’t discuss because they trigger my anxiety. I rarely dream, but on the occasion that I do dream…my dreams are never sweet!
We all cope with our anxieties differently. What works for me, may not work for you. I have not found any certain way to cope because each attack is different from the last and must be dealt with accordingly, but if you have I am proud of you. It takes a strong person to keep up the fight. So I will do what I do best and that is to smile through the pain, breathe, pray hard, and most importantly (for me) laugh at it!!
Five days into my 40’s and I am loving it!
Celebrating my 40th birthday with my love, John, was absolutely wonderful and hilarious. He and I have the best times together! He’s an amazing man.
Saturday, I had a chance to continue the celebration with two of my sisters, oldest daughter, and my oldest niece. Great food, sunshine, springtime weather, and shopping combined with lots of laughter made for a wonderful day.
What is about birthdays that makes you think about all the things you want to do? Is it the thought that you are “running out of time” so to speak? Or is it a process of maturing? Whatever it is, I am definitely experiencing it!
So to announce my new adventures…
I, of course, realize that my birthday was no different than the day before. The only change was my age. I have to make the changes that I want to see happen. There’s no fairy godmother waving her magic wand changing my life for the better. That’s my job!
I still have things from my past to get over, but I am very proud to say that the depression I usually feel on, and around, my birthday was not present this year. I have truly managed to release some of the hostility I held against my unknown, biological father. He is no longer controlling my thoughts with his constant “presence” since I chose to release him.
There are many things left for me to conquer..smoking, hostility towards Disney World, insecurities a plenty which involves abandonment (another lovely side effect of being an adoptee), and the list goes on. However, I do keep in mind that with John by my side I can overcome any obstacles in my path. He has no idea how he strengthens me.
In a time of such upheaval with protests a plenty, and women marching around in pink knit hats representative of the female genitalia, I find myself longing to go back in time.
I understand that women of the past protested and fought for “our” rights, but I am sorry these people of today are not marching for me. But I wander off subject, because I am not going to get into politics. My opinions are just that…my opinions.
I have always loved the late 1940’s & 1950’s. The modest, feminine, ladylike fashion. The ability to stay at home with the children keeping house, while the husband goes out and earns a living for the household. There are many other things I love about that era as well. I know I have probably caused a few heads to shake just by writing the last two sentences, but again My opinion is my opinion. My dreams are my dreams.
I know times were not always easy, the husband was not always loving, and there were struggles then, just as there are now. But let me explain a little bit about me….
I dream of homesteading. Going off the grid, and living life away from all of the commotion (and I already live in a pretty rural area – so even rural areas are crowded to me). Growing my own food, and storing it for the winter months. I love cooking, and cleaning! But after working a pretty normal 40 hour week, I don’t want to spend my free time cooking or cleaning. Handling the kids schoolwork, and attending meetings….you guessed right! I already handle that along with my job.
I grew up on a small farm, in a rural area of the Carolina’s. We had horses, a summer and fall garden, preserved vegetables, cut our own firewood, raised pigs for barbequing and storing meat, fished from the nearby rivers for only what we wanted to eat (none of this catch and release mess) and we wasted very, very little. Life was simpler!
……to be continued! Another 40 hour week on the books. I need to learn to talk-blog (is that a thing?) on my hour ride home.
I can remember being 9 or 10 years old, and fantasizing about running away from home. Practicing my packing skills so I could carry what I “needed” with me, which consisted of stuffed animals I didn’t want to leave behind. I was obsessed with Huck Finn, and wanted to be just as adventurous as he was in the stories.
Turns out that urge has never left me. Even now I find myself wanting to run away on adventures. Life can easily get mundane with the constant repeat of the same activities. Wake up, school drop off, work, pick up the child, home, homework, dinner, baths, and to bed just to get up the next day to do it all over. Day after day, and the weekends are to rest up so we can pull another week of the same ol’ thing. It’s been many times that others have tried to make me feel guilty for wanting to break the monotony, and there have been times where I have felt guilty.
Maybe I ask for too much, but at the end of the day it’s me that has to live with the emptiness I feel. I don’t need expensive cruises, or resort islands. I don’t need to drive across country, or shop in Manhattan. I just want to see things, and experience things. I want to be out, and feel alive like only wandering can make me feel.
I revel in getting “lost”. Seeing a different view, breathing different air, interacting with different people, anything but the everyday norm that society crams us into. I understand routine = structure, and structure is wonderful to have in your job, raising children, and keeping a home. I will not argue that structure is a must, but for some of us too much structure smothers our very being.
I suffer from anxiety, and feeling stuck drums up every anxious thought possible it seems. My anxiety strikes out against me in every way possible. I question my choices, people’s feelings for me, will I die lonely and unhappy, will my children remember me as an unhappy person,….oh it can go on and on. If you have anxiety then you know very well how it can lead to depression, and the simple act of smiling becomes a chore. Why do I do this to myself? I know what I need, but I tend to put everyone and everything ahead of what I am needing until I feel like I am drowning in responsibility.
Share your thoughts.
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