My 23andMe Adventure

** This is an ongoing Blog and will be updated as things progress**

 

For anyone considering the 23andMe DNA test, here is a timeline and my experience with it.

23andMe - Genetic Testing for Ancestry; DNA Test  Random, interesting and maybe a little scary too...:
*Photo Courtesy of 23andMe.com

 

 

My reason for testing – I’m an adoptee. My maternal grandparents adopted me at birth, and I have known my birthmother my entire life. Birthfather = undetermined. Contact has been made with him once before, but he denied it….so here I am.


Saturday, February 25th, 2017 – Ordered my test!!!

I am so stinking excited and scared out of my mind at the same time. What have I done? Will this cause more undue heartache? Will this give me the peace of mind that I feel I am constantly searching for?

sleepinsidemysoul:


Monday, February 27th, 2017 – The test has been shipped! What??? *Cue the butterflies*

The email came through while I was out running around town on lunch. My first thought, “well that escalated quickly”.  As much as I have wanted this and for as long as I have wanted this, I am feeling hesitant now. But I am my father’s (grandfather) child, the money is spent it’s too late to turn back now.

I just don't have time for the nervous breakdown I deserve:


Tuesday, February 28th, 2017 – Seriously??

I am actually finding a little humor in this! I live in the Carolinas, and here it is my package is mailed from North Carolina across country! I could have taken a road trip.

Image result for confused gif


Saturday, March 4th, 2017 – It’s arrived!

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Monday, March 6th, 2017 – Time to spit! Ewwwww

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Tuesday, March 14th, 2017 –  The waiting game is on…..the sample was received March 11th.

Image result for animated anxiously waiting funny

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The Overwhelming Mind

Looking at all the depression posts and knowing just how much I relate to them makes me want to cry.: Anxiety does not schedule an appointment with you so it can strike at an appropriate time. It is less predictable than a tornado, and destroys the mind much the same as one. There is no logical side to anxiety; in fact it is utterly irrational, but the fear anxiety generates is real…to those who suffer with it.

Anxiety preys on every single, miniscule insecurity you have, and it will take that insecurity and create some of the most gargantuan, terrifying thoughts. Anxiety leaves you feeling as if  you have been chewed up, spit out, and stomped on. Anxiety is a lifetime prison sentence, only to be to some small degree controlled by medicines, herbs, prayer, breathing exercises, and at times a combination of all.

People will tell you that you must face your fears to overcome them, that you worry too much, that you don’t trust them, that it was just your imagination.death depression sad suicidal suicide lonely anxiety alone broken Monsters die dead dying depressing mental illness mental health TW Trigger demons depressive mental disorder trigger warning panic attack depressing quotes panic disorder dying inside anxiety attacks depressing thoughts: People don’t understand anxiety and panic attacks unless they suffer with them. I don’t say “deal with them” because you don’t deal with anxiety. Anxiety will make you suffer, and when the anxiety is strong enough to bring on a full blown panic attack, the mind is ready to deliver the most intense torture you can imagine. Anxiety’s target is not society. Anxiety targets its carrier. YOU are the target, and it means to destroy YOU! There is no escaping your own mind, so you are trapped there alone with two choices:

#1. Fight!

#2 Surrender!

When I am becoming anxious, my first thought is “Oh no, not today, please, please not today.”. When that anxiety starts to escalate, my thoughts change to “Just breathe, hopefully it will pass…deep breaths and blow. What was that breathing exercise again? Crap I can’t remember it.” When anxiety is in full scale attack, I start praying through the tears, whether it is out loud, or just my thoughts “God please make it stop, please, please, please, I don’t want to go there. God please I can’t!” And when that same anxiety sets off panic attacks that create physical pain so excruciating and terrifying, my thoughts go to “I’m dying, is this a heart attack? I am going to die, God please help!”. Those are just the general thoughts, which combine with whatever fear or torture anxiety is creating at the time.

People who suffer with anxiety tend to overthink everything. They tend to second guess themselves. They are not trusting, because anxiety will not let them be. Anxiety drives the mind to create doubt in every aspect, so confidence is not high. People who suffer with anxiety want control. The thought of controlling everything around them will put anxiety at ease. There is little to no room for anxiety to slip in right? Wrong, because anxiety is degrading and will cause them to feel that what they are doing is not good enough. So we turn to perfection, and add to the load of controlling everything and the cycle continues…until we break. The load gets too heavy and we crumble.

So.. I guess I have depresion I don't give a fuck about anything in my life no more but at the same time all the little stupid things are like hell for me: I suffer from anxiety, depression, and PTSD. No I am not military, a common misconception with PTSD. I live in constant fear of everything, but I am functional. I work Monday through Friday, I am a mother with children that have their own anxieties, I am sociable, I have a relationship with John which anxiety tries its best to destroy, and I travel. I carry my medicine with me everywhere I go because I never know when an attack will take place. I have had a full blown panic attack in Walmart which included dry heaves, sweating, chest pains, and going to my car to hide until it passed. I have flashbacks which I can’t discuss because they trigger my anxiety. I rarely dream, but on the occasion that I do dream…my dreams are never sweet!

We all cope with our anxieties differently. What works for me, may not work for you. I have not found any certain way to cope because each attack is different from the last and must be dealt with accordingly, but if you have I am proud of you. It takes a strong person to keep up the fight. So I will do what I do best and that is to smile through the pain, breathe, pray hard, and most importantly (for me) laugh at it!!

This is the best, most brief, most accurate way I have ever seen anxiety summed up.:

Hello 40!

Five days into my 40’s and I am loving it!

Celebrating my 40th birthday with my love, John, was absolutely wonderful and hilarious. He and I have the best times together! He’s an amazing man. 

Saturday, I had a chance to continue the celebration with two of my sisters, oldest daughter, and my oldest niece. Great food, sunshine, springtime weather, and shopping combined with lots of laughter made for a wonderful day. 

What is about birthdays that makes you think about all the things you want to do? Is it the thought that you are “running out of time” so to speak? Or is it a process of maturing? Whatever it is, I am definitely experiencing it!

So to announce my new adventures…

  • Yesterday I placed my order for my 23 and Me dna kit!!! I am ecstatic about finding out “who” I am. Being adopted, I often deal with a feeling of lost identity regardless of the fact it was a family adoption. I don’t know the other half of me, so I am taking advantage of my options.
  • Golf! Yes, I said golf. John loves golfing, and I thought “wow, what better way to enjoy our time together than being outside enjoying nature, and having some laughs?”. We can laugh at ourselves better than anyone can, and we are not competitive against one another. We enjoy each other’s company, and he has so much patience with me that I am sure he will help me learn the game. 

I, of course, realize that my birthday was no different than the day before. The only change was my age. I have to make the changes that I want to see happen. There’s no fairy godmother waving her magic wand changing my life for the better. That’s my job! 

I still have things from my past to get over, but I am very proud to say that the depression I usually feel on, and around, my birthday was not present this year. I have truly managed to release some of the hostility I held against my unknown, biological father. He is no longer controlling my thoughts with his constant “presence” since I chose to release him. 

There are many things left for me to conquer..smoking, hostility towards Disney World, insecurities a plenty which involves abandonment  (another lovely side effect of being an adoptee), and the list goes on. However, I do keep in mind that with John by my side I can overcome any obstacles in my path. He has no idea how he strengthens me. 

To go back in time

In a time of such upheaval with protests a plenty, and women marching around in pink knit hats representative of the female genitalia, I find myself longing to go back in time.

Image result for womens march vagina                   Image result for protests since january 2017

I understand that women of the past protested and fought for “our” rights, but I am sorry these people of today are not marching for me. But I wander off subject, because I am not going to get into politics. My opinions are just that…my opinions.

I have always loved the late 1940’s & 1950’s. The modest, feminine, ladylike fashion. The ability to stay at home with the children keeping house, while the husband goes out and earns a living for the household. There are many other things I love about that era as well. I know I have probably caused a few heads to shake just by writing the last two sentences, but again My opinion is my opinion. My dreams are my dreams.

vintage housewife:
Yes, I realize this is only an illustration.

 

I know times were not always easy, the husband was not always loving, and there were struggles then, just as there are now. But let me explain a little bit about me….

I dream of homesteading. Going off the grid, and living life away from all of the commotion (and I already live in a pretty rural area – so even rural areas are crowded to me). Growing my own food, and storing it for the winter months. I love cooking, and cleaning! But after working a pretty normal 40 hour week, I don’t want to spend my free time cooking or cleaning. Handling the kids schoolwork, and attending meetings….you guessed right! I already handle that along with my job.

seasonalwonderment: “lovely summer clouds by Mike Reva on Flickr. ”:
It looks so peaceful. I want to go there.

I grew up on a small farm, in a rural area of the Carolina’s. We had horses, a summer and fall garden, preserved vegetables, cut our own firewood, raised pigs for barbequing and storing meat, fished from the nearby rivers for only what we wanted to eat (none of this catch and release mess) and we wasted very, very little. Life was simpler!

 

……to be continued! Another 40 hour week on the books. I need to learn to talk-blog (is that a thing?) on my hour ride home.

Running away

I can remember being 9 or 10 years old, and fantasizing about running away from home. Practicing my packing skills so I could carry what I “needed” with me, which consisted of  stuffed animals I didn’t want to leave behind. I was obsessed with Huck Finn, and wanted to be just as adventurous as he was in the stories.

Drapetomani: an overwhelming urge to run away:

Turns out that urge has never left me. Even now I find myself wanting to run away on adventures. Life can easily get mundane with the constant repeat of the same activities. Wake up, school drop off, work, pick up the child, home, homework, dinner, baths, and to bed just to get up the next day to do it all over. Day after day, and the weekends are to rest up so we can pull another week of the same ol’ thing. It’s been many times that others have tried to make me feel guilty for wanting to break the monotony, and there have been times where I have felt guilty.

Image result for guilty gif

Maybe I ask for too much, but at the end of the day it’s me that has to live with the emptiness I feel. I don’t need expensive cruises, or resort islands. I don’t need to drive across country, or shop in Manhattan. I just want to see things, and experience things. I want to be out, and feel alive like only wandering can make me feel.

the lord of the rings wallpaper iphone - Buscar con Google:

I revel in getting “lost”. Seeing a different view, breathing different air, interacting with different people, anything but the everyday norm that society crams us into. I understand routine = structure, and structure is wonderful to have in your job, raising children, and keeping a home. I will not argue that structure is a must, but for some of us too much structure smothers our very being.

Ahhh, yes!!!  I have to always be doing something new.:
It’s even written in my stars…

I suffer from anxiety, and feeling stuck drums up every anxious thought possible it seems. My anxiety strikes out against me in every way possible. I question my choices, people’s feelings for me, will I die lonely and unhappy, will my children remember me as an unhappy person,….oh it can go on and on. If you have anxiety then you know very well how it can lead to depression, and the simple act of smiling becomes a chore. Why do I do this to myself? I know what I need, but I tend to put everyone and everything ahead of what I am needing until I feel like I am drowning in responsibility.

 

Paulo cohelo one of my favorite writers:

Share your thoughts.

Everything all at once..

My positivity has been severely lacking the last several days, but I haven’t given up yet. 

I don’t believe there’s anything scarier than your child being sick and admitted to the hospital. But I do try to keep my faith that something good will come from all this negativity that has been surrounding me lately. Prayers were certainly answered, and she is on the mend and I couldn’t be more thankful for that answered prayer.

I keep asking “what am I missing, Lord?”, what is it that HE is trying to get me to see? I keep praying for there to be some kind of light at the end of this long, dark tunnel. But, Lord honestly you may have to come sit beside and tell me exactly what it is because I just don’t seem to be getting it. I keep looking for signs, but I feel as if I am losing my mind. 

What I wouldn’t give to be able to talk to my Mom. Everything in me is tired, and when I try to sit back and “Be Still” life seems to come rolling through like steam engine. 

If you pray, please pray for me. If you dont, please send some positive vibes this way. With all this negativity, I could really use some positive wishes. 

My fear has a first name….