There are times when I am surfing Pinterest mostly, and I come upon some of the most moving quotes and poems. Some make me burst out in laughter, but the ones that I truly love are the ones that cause that burn in the back of your throat, tears in the corners of your eyes, and say everything that you are feeling but cannot say out loud.
I will share a few that move me, since I am struggling to write today.
Feel free to comment with some quotes or poems you find moving.
I return to this blog after a couple of months of soul-searching. My results from 23andMe came in, and I was left to face what I longed to leave behind. The man I never knew was thrown back into my life with my DNA results. Turns out my DNA relatives were many, and of those many relatives, a majority belonged to his family. Nice to see you again my demons.
Just like that, the obsession to find my birthfather was back. I searched every link I found on him, searched through Ancestry like a person gone mad, and then I made the choice to make contact. I had hit so many brick walls, and I was exhausted. What did I have to lose?
Monday, May 22nd, 2017, I heard my father’s voice for the first time in my life.
This is what I had hoped for 35 years, right? This is all I wanted, right? Yes, and at the same time No. My life revolved around searching, how do I not search? That’s all I have ever known. Don’t get me wrong, I am happy I found him and that we had a wonderful conversation. He didn’t try to argue the results, and it was all I could ask for honestly. As it sank in though, fear stepped in. How do I live this life? I am at a place I have never been before, and that sweet, little girl that I have protected all these years, she’s at peace now.
I have never known peace, what do I do with this? It didn’t take long for anxiety to step up to the plate. Worry set into place, as he told me that his wife and oldest daughter do not find this “new addition” to be a good thing. So do I try to somehow control the situation with my passive-aggressive ways, as I do with so many situations in my life? Or do I let go of control, and let it take its course? I know what I should do, it’s doing it that gets me (into trouble mostly).
I have been told that it is time for me to be happy. That so many times in my life, my attempts to control a situation have basically ruined any chances of a good relationship, no matter the type, remaining good. My attempts at controlling a situation only cause more damage. So I will take that advice, and apply it as best I can, as I never have been here before. I have lived by the “fake until you make it” concept, and I have made it. I have accomplished my main goal in life, so it is time for new goals. That advice couldn’t have been more on point, it is time for me to be happy.
I will strive to no longer live in the past, and I will no longer pay for the mistakes of my past, though there are many. As you see, I cannot find happiness in my past, I can only find it in my present, and apply that to my future. Life is about choices, and happiness is my choice. I may make mistakes along the way, but I will do my best to have a happy life.
** This is an ongoing Blog and will be updated as things progress**
For anyone considering the 23andMe DNA test, here is a timeline and my experience with it.
My reason for testing – I’m an adoptee. My maternal grandparents adopted me at birth, and I have known my birthmother my entire life. Birthfather = undetermined. Contact has been made with him once before, but he denied it….so here I am.
Saturday, February 25th, 2017 – Ordered my test!!!
I am so stinking excited and scared out of my mind at the same time. What have I done? Will this cause more undue heartache? Will this give me the peace of mind that I feel I am constantly searching for?
Monday, February 27th, 2017 – The test has been shipped! What??? *Cue the butterflies*
The email came through while I was out running around town on lunch. My first thought, “well that escalated quickly”. As much as I have wanted this and for as long as I have wanted this, I am feeling hesitant now. But I am my father’s (grandfather) child, the money is spent it’s too late to turn back now.
Tuesday, February 28th, 2017 – Seriously??
I am actually finding a little humor in this! I live in the Carolinas, and here it is my package is mailed from North Carolina across country! I could have taken a road trip.
Saturday, March 4th, 2017 – It’s arrived!
Monday, March 6th, 2017 – Time to spit! Ewwwww
Tuesday, March 14th, 2017 – The waiting game is on…..the sample was received March 11th.
I can remember being 9 or 10 years old, and fantasizing about running away from home. Practicing my packing skills so I could carry what I “needed” with me, which consisted of stuffed animals I didn’t want to leave behind. I was obsessed with Huck Finn, and wanted to be just as adventurous as he was in the stories.
Turns out that urge has never left me. Even now I find myself wanting to run away on adventures. Life can easily get mundane with the constant repeat of the same activities. Wake up, school drop off, work, pick up the child, home, homework, dinner, baths, and to bed just to get up the next day to do it all over. Day after day, and the weekends are to rest up so we can pull another week of the same ol’ thing. It’s been many times that others have tried to make me feel guilty for wanting to break the monotony, and there have been times where I have felt guilty.
Maybe I ask for too much, but at the end of the day it’s me that has to live with the emptiness I feel. I don’t need expensive cruises, or resort islands. I don’t need to drive across country, or shop in Manhattan. I just want to see things, and experience things. I want to be out, and feel alive like only wandering can make me feel.
I revel in getting “lost”. Seeing a different view, breathing different air, interacting with different people, anything but the everyday norm that society crams us into. I understand routine = structure, and structure is wonderful to have in your job, raising children, and keeping a home. I will not argue that structure is a must, but for some of us too much structure smothers our very being.
I suffer from anxiety, and feeling stuck drums up every anxious thought possible it seems. My anxiety strikes out against me in every way possible. I question my choices, people’s feelings for me, will I die lonely and unhappy, will my children remember me as an unhappy person,….oh it can go on and on. If you have anxiety then you know very well how it can lead to depression, and the simple act of smiling becomes a chore. Why do I do this to myself? I know what I need, but I tend to put everyone and everything ahead of what I am needing until I feel like I am drowning in responsibility.
Stop wishing you were older. When you are 10, you can’t wait to be 13. When you’re 13 you can’t wait to be 16. When you’re 16, you can’t wait to be 18. And when you are 18, you can’t wait to be 21! You’ve just wished away 12 years dummy! Now there is no going back!
All those plans you made, prepare for them to be completely rearranged! Life has it’s own morbid sense of humor!
You might think you have it all together, but trust me you don’t!
All those things Mom and Dad told you about “everyone is not your friend”, and “you have to learn to be your own person, don’t follow the crowd”. Take that as the gospel sweetie!
And finally…look out for the kids. They can be a shady pair!
As 40 approaches, I find myself in need of some “spring cleaning” so to speak. That good deep cleaning that reaches all the dust mites and cobwebs hidden out of sight.
That’s what you are sir. You are the dust mites and cobwebs hidden out of sight in my soul. Every annual trigger I catch a glimpse of you and try to pretend you are not there. You made a choice before my birth to leave your traces behind and move on with your life. I have often questioned “does he think of me?”, “does he regret not sticking around to find out if I was his?”, “how can he go through life with the idea of me out there, and the possibility of him being my father?”, and many, many more questions.
I was a lucky baby. I was adopted by my grandparents who gave me the best they could, and I will forever be thankful for them. When I found out I was adopted at 5 years old from another little girl, they were open and honest with me. I learned about you when I was 7. When I was 20 I made an attempt to contact you, only to contact your father instead. He would have gladly accepted me (yes he wrote me back)! He forwarded that letter to you, and you denied me! Twenty years ago, Facebook didn’t exist. I searched for you the best AOL and I could, but who knew that I would find your daughters and your wife years later on Facebook. That’s right, I never stopped searching for you even after you denied me. I even made contact with your oldest daughter, as an old family friend. Her words were “I am the spitting image of my dad” when I asked her if you were her father. It took everything I had not to reply back, WELL THAT MAKES TWO OF US! because she and I could pass for twins, minus her heavier set build. Turns out she and I are only 5 years apart. She was born when my life was being shattered by a little girl on the playground who had heard her mother talking about me and my adoption (OH the SCANDAL! *every ounce of sarcasm you can imagine is there!).
I have carried thoughts of you with me for the past 35 years, 33 if you count when you were identified. You have been a heavy load to carry, but as I move into my 4th decade I am leaving YOU behind. I am tired of being angry with you, hurt by you, the wondering is exhausting, and quite frankly I have reached the point where I NOTHING YOU! I don’t hate you any longer, I don’t idolize you and make you into something more than you are not or maybe you are (heck I don’t know, I don’t know you!). I don’t want you in my life any longer, or the lives of my girls. You made your choice, and I could have sought you out but that was a chance I decided not to take. You’ve rejected me once! Your loss is my gain! I have me and my girls, I have a dad who still calls me baby, I had a mother that loved me and made sure I knew I wasn’t a mistake, and a birthmother who did her best to stay involved.
I wish you well sir, and from now on my birthdays are no longer reserved for thoughts of you!
There have been many days like this lately. Poor John! I know I am not the easiest person to deal with at times, nor do I make the best choices, but one thing is for sure.
I am so unbelievably lucky to have him!
I was doing my daily scroll through Pinterest-land…you know the kind, where you get on for a quick peek at what’s new, and 2 hours later you’re still on? While I was scrolling through, I came across a Pin a friend of mine liked. It was 30-days of journal prompts on being grateful. I will share the link with you if any of you are interested. But I thought to myself, what a great way to build a positive outlook! Surely I can find something I am grateful for on a daily basis, and maybe 30 days of it will create a healthy habit.
I will come back to this post, and add something I am grateful for each day. Here is the link to 30 Days of Gratitude
So here I go (and since I am starting with John I will make sure my numbers coincide with each entry so scroll on to #20):
#1 – What smell am I grateful for today? – Coffee! Always coffee!! It is the first thing I look forward to in the mornings, and just the smell makes my morning grumpiness subside.
#2 – What technology am I grateful for? – My smartphone! I feel lost without it. I Google everything, I keep up with family and friends with it, and I stalk my daughter’s cell activity with it! Yes I am one of those moms!! She is not an adult and this is a dangerous world we live in today.
#3 – What color am I grateful for? – I don’t necessarily have a favorite color, but today it’s Yellow. I love the sun, and I am by no means a winter person (even though this “winter” has been pretty mild with the exception of some snowflakes blowing by). Have to love living in the South!
#4 – What food am I grateful for? – Potatoes! Letting my Irish heritage shine through there, huh? They are my go to comfort food, prepared any way you’d like.
#5 – What sound am I grateful for? – I am grateful for my normal everyday Hum. You know the hum of the air/heat running, the sound of normal everyday traffic going by, the hum of the copier as you work? After a weekend of the every channel talking about women marching, the quiet Hummmm is most pleasant!
#6 – What in nature am I grateful for? – The changing of the seasons. I love how the colors flow from one season to the next reminding us that change is inevitable.
#7 – What memory am I grateful for? – I am grateful for every memory I have of my mom. She passed almost 22 years ago, and it’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think of her.
#8 – What book am I grateful for? – I love books so picking one would be extremely hard, so I have to say that most of Nora Roberts’ books would be my favorite. I love her stories of Ireland.
#9 – What place am I grateful for? – Home! It’s somewhere that I feel like get to spend very little time with work, commuting to work, and having kids. I try to enjoy my down time at home as much as I can.
#10 – What taste am I grateful for today? – It may sound strange but I am grateful for the taste of eggs. I had eggs in my Chinese food last night and they were delicious and my egg intolerance didn’t react.
#11 – What holiday am I grateful for? – Easter has always been my favorite holiday. All the new bright colors coming to life, flowers blooming, and my Christian beliefs.
#12 – What texture am I grateful for? – Soft and plush textures today. It’s been my laziest of lazy days.
#13 – What abilities am I grateful for? – I am most grateful for my ability to use my mind. I am not getting into the political debates, but the lack of common sense and fact checking really blows me away. But I love all my abilities…crafting, drawing, cooking, and being able to consume unlimited amounts of coffee without that buzzed effect.
#14 – What sight am I grateful for? – I am grateful for my sight period! Having a father who is in his “platinum years” 😉 with deteriorating eyesight, I certainly appreciate mine. I am blessed to be 22 days away from 40 and go through my daily life without glasses or contacts!
#15 – What season am I grateful for? – I love Spring! Flowers blooming, bright new colors replacing the dormant colors of Winter, Easter, warmer weather, the fresh air…I love it!
#16 – What about my body am I grateful for? – I am just grateful that I haven’t lost any organs in at least 2 years. 😀
#17 – What knowledge am I grateful for? – Forknowing when I am at my breaking point, and that a cry is good for me. After that cry I can come back stronger, but the cry has to happen.
#18 – What piece of art am I grateful for? – I am thankful for musical arts. Music helps me in so many ways.
#19 – What touch am I grateful for today? – My youngest daughter’s hugs! I needed one in the worst way. A hug can heal so much.
#20 – Who am I grateful for? – I am grateful for John, and all the love he gives me. I do not know what I would do without him. He picks me up when I am down, makes me laugh when it’s hard to smile, and most of all he loves me in return for the love I have for him.
#21 – What song am I most grateful for? – What??? I can’t pick just one. I love music of all kinds, but if I have to pick one for today….Magic Carpet Ride by Steppenwolf! I swear I was meant to be a 60’s child.
#22 – What story am I grateful for? – I am grateful for my story. Sometimes sitting back and looking at my life, I am very proud of myself for not becoming anything other than what I have.
#23 – What tradition am I grateful for? – So many have come and gone throughout the years, but I am most grateful for the one that has remained as close to the same as possible. Our Christmas BBQ. Gathering with my family, sometimes friends, and just cooking and laughing together in the yard is the best. We’re all getting older, and a few are missing but I love it still the same.
#24 – What challenge am I grateful for? – I am grateful for this challenge, even though I have not been posting daily. It has worked to remind that there is something in every single day to be grateful for.
#25 – What moment am I grateful for this week? – I am certainly grateful my daughter is out of the hospital and on the mend, but other than that I was so unbelievably happy to see 5 o’clock on Friday!
A little side note – I am grateful for this challenge but for the life of me I cannot remember to do this everyday. 🙂
#26 – What form of expression am I grateful for? – Smiles! I love smiling and I greet everyone I meet with a smile. I was made aware of my “resting bitch face” years ago and I have made it point to smile more and appear more welcoming.
#27 – What small thing that I use daily am I grateful for? – My cellphone…always my cellphone. It entertains me, helps me, and plays hide and seek with me 😀
#28 – What small thing happened to me today that I am grateful for? – I love a Goodwill store! Absolutely love them! And today the goodwill shopping gods were smiling down on me. I found a Nine West fuchsia tank top with the tags still on it for $4!!! The original price was $59.00! Yay me!!!
#29 – What friend or family member am I grateful for today? – All of them!!! Seriously? They all make me happy and/or drive me crazy at the same time. I love them all!
#30 – What talent or skill am I grateful for today? – I am grateful for my organizational skills. Lord knows I need them at this job.
Welcome to my newest, and hopefully successful, journey!
Just a small bit about me, …Linda:
I love laughing!
I love my girls!
I love my Gamecocks (yeah we lose …a lot!)
I love my boyfriend John!
I love photography, food, cooking, outdoors, and this list could go on and on.
And I am a Christian, so be nice and not judgmental please.
I chose to write about my up and coming 40’s because I have taken on a new positive attitude, which needs fine-tuning every now and then, but for the most part my goal is to leave the negativity behind. Way, way, way behind!
My 20’s…they’re kinda blurry! My 30’s can mostly be described as MEH!!! So 40’s here I come, and please be good to me… pretty please?
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I hope you all enjoy reading my posts, which I am sure at times will be random life happenings, but if it lets at least one person know they are not alone in this world, or provides a pick-me-up to someone…well I call that SUCCESS!