I return to this blog after a couple of months of soul-searching. My results from 23andMe came in, and I was left to face what I longed to leave behind. The man I never knew was thrown back into my life with my DNA results. Turns out my DNA relatives were many, and of those many relatives, a majority belonged to his family. Nice to see you again my demons.
Just like that, the obsession to find my birthfather was back. I searched every link I found on him, searched through Ancestry like a person gone mad, and then I made the choice to make contact. I had hit so many brick walls, and I was exhausted. What did I have to lose?
Monday, May 22nd, 2017, I heard my father’s voice for the first time in my life.
This is what I had hoped for 35 years, right? This is all I wanted, right? Yes, and at the same time No. My life revolved around searching, how do I not search? That’s all I have ever known. Don’t get me wrong, I am happy I found him and that we had a wonderful conversation. He didn’t try to argue the results, and it was all I could ask for honestly. As it sank in though, fear stepped in. How do I live this life? I am at a place I have never been before, and that sweet, little girl that I have protected all these years, she’s at peace now.
I have never known peace, what do I do with this? It didn’t take long for anxiety to step up to the plate. Worry set into place, as he told me that his wife and oldest daughter do not find this “new addition” to be a good thing. So do I try to somehow control the situation with my passive-aggressive ways, as I do with so many situations in my life? Or do I let go of control, and let it take its course? I know what I should do, it’s doing it that gets me (into trouble mostly).
I have been told that it is time for me to be happy. That so many times in my life, my attempts to control a situation have basically ruined any chances of a good relationship, no matter the type, remaining good. My attempts at controlling a situation only cause more damage. So I will take that advice, and apply it as best I can, as I never have been here before. I have lived by the “fake until you make it” concept, and I have made it. I have accomplished my main goal in life, so it is time for new goals. That advice couldn’t have been more on point, it is time for me to be happy.
I will strive to no longer live in the past, and I will no longer pay for the mistakes of my past, though there are many. As you see, I cannot find happiness in my past, I can only find it in my present, and apply that to my future. Life is about choices, and happiness is my choice. I may make mistakes along the way, but I will do my best to have a happy life.
and my number one goal for now is to….