I’ve fallen down on my “job” of blogging the past week and half. I felt I had nothing to contribute, and quite frankly I was so confused I didn’t know what to say. I have been trying my best to lead a more positive life, and release the negativity that’s been pulling me under. Lately the negativity has been winning the battle.
It seems as if my decision to be more positive has only created more negativity. Unfortunately when I begin to feel overwhelmed, I retreat. Silence becomes my shield to protect my mind and let it restore itself.
I also use my periods of silence to talk to God. I’ve never really referred to my conversations with God as prayers, being as growing up I felt as if prayers were more formal. Sometimes I just need to talk to God as if he were sitting right next to me, and lately He seems to be communicating back pretty loudly.
I love my radio on my morning drives in to work. There is nothing that relieves my stress like good music can, but this past week the music has been M.I.A. So I spend most of my ride surfing the channels, and this morning a preacher caught my attention with just one word…”Resentment”.
Yes, the word “resentment” caught my attention because it’s exactly what I have been dealing with lately. So I listened. The preacher went on to talk on forgiveness, and how God is a forgiving God. How resentment destroys your chance at peace. This preacher really had my attention now! I listened some more, and then he asked this…
“What price does a person pay to hold resentment in their heart?”
I knew right then and there that God meant for me to hear this question. I have been feeling like He was trying to send me a message, but that one question made it crystal clear.
My heart crumbled at that question. How long am I willing to hold resentment in my heart? How much more am I willing to lose because of resentment? How much more am I willing to miss out on because of resentment? Scars from the past, open wounds from the past and present, are contributing to the resentment I feel on a daily basis. I can’t go on like this. I have to forgive, no matter how hard it may be, I have to forgive to find that happiness I so desperately want.
So many times in my life God has been there for me, and yet when things are going good, or I get overwhelmed by life, I tend to overlook Him. I tend to think that I can handle things on my own in every aspect of my life, but I can’t.
I was baptized at age 18, one week after my mom died. Over the years, I have wandered to and from God. I have been angry at Him, I have cried to Him, and I have questioned Him. Still yet He has remained by my side waiting for me to return to Him…waiting for me to give up my control that I hold onto so tightly.
Feeling like I could control things was how I felt I had made it through life, when in all reality, I didn’t have control over a single thing. God is how I made it. His plans were for me to go through the things that I did. I didn’t have any control over those things, I only thought I did.
This week He has been reassuring me that I have not been alone. One of my greatest trials has been accepting being alone. He has been there the entire time. At Christmas, I decided to “Be the Good” and I paid the admission for the next car in line to come in and enjoy the Christmas lights I had taken my girls to see. I left a card wishing them a Merry Christmas and hoped that they would also “Be the Good” that this world so needed. I never expected that act of kindness to come back to me because I had lost faith, but I was still clinging to hope. Here it is March and someone backed into my car while it was parked at work. I stepped down to my car to find my reflector and a note on my windshield with a phone number and an apology. The person returned after running to a quick appointment, filed a report, and gave me their insurance information. This person was so thankful for my kindness, and not being mad at them for hitting my car….and that’s when I heard Him speaking to me. This person said “I always try to do what is right, and BE THE GOOD.” I went back to my office and cried.
Thank you for listening to me. I leave you with some pieces of inspiration, as we never know what the next person may be seeking.