I can remember being 9 or 10 years old, and fantasizing about running away from home. Practicing my packing skills so I could carry what I “needed” with me, which consisted of stuffed animals I didn’t want to leave behind. I was obsessed with Huck Finn, and wanted to be just as adventurous as he was in the stories.
Turns out that urge has never left me. Even now I find myself wanting to run away on adventures. Life can easily get mundane with the constant repeat of the same activities. Wake up, school drop off, work, pick up the child, home, homework, dinner, baths, and to bed just to get up the next day to do it all over. Day after day, and the weekends are to rest up so we can pull another week of the same ol’ thing. It’s been many times that others have tried to make me feel guilty for wanting to break the monotony, and there have been times where I have felt guilty.
Maybe I ask for too much, but at the end of the day it’s me that has to live with the emptiness I feel. I don’t need expensive cruises, or resort islands. I don’t need to drive across country, or shop in Manhattan. I just want to see things, and experience things. I want to be out, and feel alive like only wandering can make me feel.
I revel in getting “lost”. Seeing a different view, breathing different air, interacting with different people, anything but the everyday norm that society crams us into. I understand routine = structure, and structure is wonderful to have in your job, raising children, and keeping a home. I will not argue that structure is a must, but for some of us too much structure smothers our very being.
I suffer from anxiety, and feeling stuck drums up every anxious thought possible it seems. My anxiety strikes out against me in every way possible. I question my choices, people’s feelings for me, will I die lonely and unhappy, will my children remember me as an unhappy person,….oh it can go on and on. If you have anxiety then you know very well how it can lead to depression, and the simple act of smiling becomes a chore. Why do I do this to myself? I know what I need, but I tend to put everyone and everything ahead of what I am needing until I feel like I am drowning in responsibility.
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