My positivity has been severely lacking the last several days, but I haven’t given up yet.
I don’t believe there’s anything scarier than your child being sick and admitted to the hospital. But I do try to keep my faith that something good will come from all this negativity that has been surrounding me lately. Prayers were certainly answered, and she is on the mend and I couldn’t be more thankful for that answered prayer.
I keep asking “what am I missing, Lord?”, what is it that HE is trying to get me to see? I keep praying for there to be some kind of light at the end of this long, dark tunnel. But, Lord honestly you may have to come sit beside and tell me exactly what it is because I just don’t seem to be getting it. I keep looking for signs, but I feel as if I am losing my mind.
What I wouldn’t give to be able to talk to my Mom. Everything in me is tired, and when I try to sit back and “BeStill” life seems to come rolling through like steam engine.
If you pray, please pray for me. If you dont, please send some positive vibes this way. With all this negativity, I could really use some positive wishes.
Stop wishing you were older. When you are 10, you can’t wait to be 13. When you’re 13 you can’t wait to be 16. When you’re 16, you can’t wait to be 18. And when you are 18, you can’t wait to be 21! You’ve just wished away 12 years dummy! Now there is no going back!
All those plans you made, prepare for them to be completely rearranged! Life has it’s own morbid sense of humor!
You might think you have it all together, but trust me you don’t!
All those things Mom and Dad told you about “everyone is not your friend”, and “you have to learn to be your own person, don’t follow the crowd”. Take that as the gospel sweetie!
And finally…look out for the kids. They can be a shady pair!
As 40 approaches, I find myself in need of some “spring cleaning” so to speak. That good deep cleaning that reaches all the dust mites and cobwebs hidden out of sight.
That’s what you are sir. You are the dust mites and cobwebs hidden out of sight in my soul. Every annual trigger I catch a glimpse of you and try to pretend you are not there. You made a choice before my birth to leave your traces behind and move on with your life. I have often questioned “does he think of me?”, “does he regret not sticking around to find out if I was his?”, “how can he go through life with the idea of me out there, and the possibility of him being my father?”, and many, many more questions.
I was a lucky baby. I was adopted by my grandparents who gave me the best they could, and I will forever be thankful for them. When I found out I was adopted at 5 years old from another little girl, they were open and honest with me. I learned about you when I was 7. When I was 20 I made an attempt to contact you, only to contact your father instead. He would have gladly accepted me (yes he wrote me back)! He forwarded that letter to you, and you denied me! Twenty years ago, Facebook didn’t exist. I searched for you the best AOL and I could, but who knew that I would find your daughters and your wife years later on Facebook. That’s right, I never stopped searching for you even after you denied me. I even made contact with your oldest daughter, as an old family friend. Her words were “I am the spitting image of my dad” when I asked her if you were her father. It took everything I had not to reply back, WELL THAT MAKES TWO OF US! because she and I could pass for twins, minus her heavier set build. Turns out she and I are only 5 years apart. She was born when my life was being shattered by a little girl on the playground who had heard her mother talking about me and my adoption (OH the SCANDAL! *every ounce of sarcasm you can imagine is there!).
I have carried thoughts of you with me for the past 35 years, 33 if you count when you were identified. You have been a heavy load to carry, but as I move into my 4th decade I am leaving YOU behind. I am tired of being angry with you, hurt by you, the wondering is exhausting, and quite frankly I have reached the point where I NOTHING YOU! I don’t hate you any longer, I don’t idolize you and make you into something more than you are not or maybe you are (heck I don’t know, I don’t know you!). I don’t want you in my life any longer, or the lives of my girls. You made your choice, and I could have sought you out but that was a chance I decided not to take. You’ve rejected me once! Your loss is my gain! I have me and my girls, I have a dad who still calls me baby, I had a mother that loved me and made sure I knew I wasn’t a mistake, and a birthmother who did her best to stay involved.
I wish you well sir, and from now on my birthdays are no longer reserved for thoughts of you!
Gloomy skies overhead, misty rain, longing to be back home in my bed…then I realize I am giving this positive-thinking thing a try, I don’t have to perfect it right away. So I am giving myself a break.
I started this blog with the purpose of training myself how to be positive and 40, which means I was not positive before, and I’m not 40 yet, correct? Correct! So why am I pressuring myself to perfect positive-thinking in only a few short days? I couldn’t learn algebra in just a few short days, or Spanish, or how to type.
I know that all you positive people out there have to have your bad days, and this is one of mine. I keep telling myself this is only temporary, and things will seem better in a day or two. I know myself well enough to know that there are days when I barely feel like speaking, and everything I see on TV or the internet is negative (especially with politics), and I also know that I am greatly affected by other people’s moods.
There have been many days like this lately. Poor John! I know I am not the easiest person to deal with at times, nor do I make the best choices, but one thing is for sure.
I am so unbelievably lucky to have him!
I was doing my daily scroll through Pinterest-land…you know the kind, where you get on for a quick peek at what’s new, and 2 hours later you’re still on? While I was scrolling through, I came across a Pin a friend of mine liked. It was 30-days of journal prompts on being grateful. I will share the link with you if any of you are interested. But I thought to myself, what a great way to build a positive outlook! Surely I can find something I am grateful for on a daily basis, and maybe 30 days of it will create a healthy habit.
I will come back to this post, and add something I am grateful for each day. Here is the link to 30 Days of Gratitude
So here I go (and since I am starting with John I will make sure my numbers coincide with each entry so scroll on to #20):
#1 – What smell am I grateful for today? – Coffee! Always coffee!! It is the first thing I look forward to in the mornings, and just the smell makes my morning grumpiness subside.
#2 – What technology am I grateful for? – My smartphone! I feel lost without it. I Google everything, I keep up with family and friends with it, and I stalk my daughter’s cell activity with it! Yes I am one of those moms!! She is not an adult and this is a dangerous world we live in today.
#3 – What color am I grateful for? – I don’t necessarily have a favorite color, but today it’s Yellow. I love the sun, and I am by no means a winter person (even though this “winter” has been pretty mild with the exception of some snowflakes blowing by). Have to love living in the South!
#4 – What food am I grateful for? – Potatoes! Letting my Irish heritage shine through there, huh? They are my go to comfort food, prepared any way you’d like.
#5 – What sound am I grateful for? – I am grateful for my normal everyday Hum. You know the hum of the air/heat running, the sound of normal everyday traffic going by, the hum of the copier as you work? After a weekend of the every channel talking about women marching, the quiet Hummmm is most pleasant!
#6 – What in nature am I grateful for? – The changing of the seasons. I love how the colors flow from one season to the next reminding us that change is inevitable.
#7 – What memory am I grateful for? – I am grateful for every memory I have of my mom. She passed almost 22 years ago, and it’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think of her.
#8 – What book am I grateful for? – I love books so picking one would be extremely hard, so I have to say that most of Nora Roberts’ books would be my favorite. I love her stories of Ireland.
#9 – What place am I grateful for? – Home! It’s somewhere that I feel like get to spend very little time with work, commuting to work, and having kids. I try to enjoy my down time at home as much as I can.
#10 – What taste am I grateful for today? – It may sound strange but I am grateful for the taste of eggs. I had eggs in my Chinese food last night and they were delicious and my egg intolerance didn’t react.
#11 – What holiday am I grateful for? – Easter has always been my favorite holiday. All the new bright colors coming to life, flowers blooming, and my Christian beliefs.
#12 – What texture am I grateful for? – Soft and plush textures today. It’s been my laziest of lazy days.
#13 – What abilities am I grateful for? – I am most grateful for my ability to use my mind. I am not getting into the political debates, but the lack of common sense and fact checking really blows me away. But I love all my abilities…crafting, drawing, cooking, and being able to consume unlimited amounts of coffee without that buzzed effect.
#14 – What sight am I grateful for? – I am grateful for my sight period! Having a father who is in his “platinum years” 😉 with deteriorating eyesight, I certainly appreciate mine. I am blessed to be 22 days away from 40 and go through my daily life without glasses or contacts!
#15 – What season am I grateful for? – I love Spring! Flowers blooming, bright new colors replacing the dormant colors of Winter, Easter, warmer weather, the fresh air…I love it!
#16 – What about my body am I grateful for? – I am just grateful that I haven’t lost any organs in at least 2 years. 😀
#17 – What knowledge am I grateful for? – Forknowing when I am at my breaking point, and that a cry is good for me. After that cry I can come back stronger, but the cry has to happen.
#18 – What piece of art am I grateful for? – I am thankful for musical arts. Music helps me in so many ways.
#19 – What touch am I grateful for today? – My youngest daughter’s hugs! I needed one in the worst way. A hug can heal so much.
#20 – Who am I grateful for? – I am grateful for John, and all the love he gives me. I do not know what I would do without him. He picks me up when I am down, makes me laugh when it’s hard to smile, and most of all he loves me in return for the love I have for him.
#21 – What song am I most grateful for? – What??? I can’t pick just one. I love music of all kinds, but if I have to pick one for today….Magic Carpet Ride by Steppenwolf! I swear I was meant to be a 60’s child.
#22 – What story am I grateful for? – I am grateful for my story. Sometimes sitting back and looking at my life, I am very proud of myself for not becoming anything other than what I have.
#23 – What tradition am I grateful for? – So many have come and gone throughout the years, but I am most grateful for the one that has remained as close to the same as possible. Our Christmas BBQ. Gathering with my family, sometimes friends, and just cooking and laughing together in the yard is the best. We’re all getting older, and a few are missing but I love it still the same.
#24 – What challenge am I grateful for? – I am grateful for this challenge, even though I have not been posting daily. It has worked to remind that there is something in every single day to be grateful for.
#25 – What moment am I grateful for this week? – I am certainly grateful my daughter is out of the hospital and on the mend, but other than that I was so unbelievably happy to see 5 o’clock on Friday!
A little side note – I am grateful for this challenge but for the life of me I cannot remember to do this everyday. 🙂
#26 – What form of expression am I grateful for? – Smiles! I love smiling and I greet everyone I meet with a smile. I was made aware of my “resting bitch face” years ago and I have made it point to smile more and appear more welcoming.
#27 – What small thing that I use daily am I grateful for? – My cellphone…always my cellphone. It entertains me, helps me, and plays hide and seek with me 😀
#28 – What small thing happened to me today that I am grateful for? – I love a Goodwill store! Absolutely love them! And today the goodwill shopping gods were smiling down on me. I found a Nine West fuchsia tank top with the tags still on it for $4!!! The original price was $59.00! Yay me!!!
#29 – What friend or family member am I grateful for today? – All of them!!! Seriously? They all make me happy and/or drive me crazy at the same time. I love them all!
#30 – What talent or skill am I grateful for today? – I am grateful for my organizational skills. Lord knows I need them at this job.
Welcome to my newest, and hopefully successful, journey!
Just a small bit about me, …Linda:
I love laughing!
I love my girls!
I love my Gamecocks (yeah we lose …a lot!)
I love my boyfriend John!
I love photography, food, cooking, outdoors, and this list could go on and on.
And I am a Christian, so be nice and not judgmental please.
I chose to write about my up and coming 40’s because I have taken on a new positive attitude, which needs fine-tuning every now and then, but for the most part my goal is to leave the negativity behind. Way, way, way behind!
My 20’s…they’re kinda blurry! My 30’s can mostly be described as MEH!!! So 40’s here I come, and please be good to me… pretty please?
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I hope you all enjoy reading my posts, which I am sure at times will be random life happenings, but if it lets at least one person know they are not alone in this world, or provides a pick-me-up to someone…well I call that SUCCESS!