As 40 approaches, I find myself in need of some “spring cleaning” so to speak. That good deep cleaning that reaches all the dust mites and cobwebs hidden out of sight.
That’s what you are sir. You are the dust mites and cobwebs hidden out of sight in my soul. Every annual trigger I catch a glimpse of you and try to pretend you are not there. You made a choice before my birth to leave your traces behind and move on with your life. I have often questioned “does he think of me?”, “does he regret not sticking around to find out if I was his?”, “how can he go through life with the idea of me out there, and the possibility of him being my father?”, and many, many more questions.
I was a lucky baby. I was adopted by my grandparents who gave me the best they could, and I will forever be thankful for them. When I found out I was adopted at 5 years old from another little girl, they were open and honest with me. I learned about you when I was 7. When I was 20 I made an attempt to contact you, only to contact your father instead. He would have gladly accepted me (yes he wrote me back)! He forwarded that letter to you, and you denied me! Twenty years ago, Facebook didn’t exist. I searched for you the best AOL and I could, but who knew that I would find your daughters and your wife years later on Facebook. That’s right, I never stopped searching for you even after you denied me. I even made contact with your oldest daughter, as an old family friend. Her words were “I am the spitting image of my dad” when I asked her if you were her father. It took everything I had not to reply back, WELL THAT MAKES TWO OF US! because she and I could pass for twins, minus her heavier set build. Turns out she and I are only 5 years apart. She was born when my life was being shattered by a little girl on the playground who had heard her mother talking about me and my adoption (OH the SCANDAL! *every ounce of sarcasm you can imagine is there!).
I have carried thoughts of you with me for the past 35 years, 33 if you count when you were identified. You have been a heavy load to carry, but as I move into my 4th decade I am leaving YOU behind. I am tired of being angry with you, hurt by you, the wondering is exhausting, and quite frankly I have reached the point where I NOTHING YOU! I don’t hate you any longer, I don’t idolize you and make you into something more than you are not or maybe you are (heck I don’t know, I don’t know you!). I don’t want you in my life any longer, or the lives of my girls. You made your choice, and I could have sought you out but that was a chance I decided not to take. You’ve rejected me once! Your loss is my gain! I have me and my girls, I have a dad who still calls me baby, I had a mother that loved me and made sure I knew I wasn’t a mistake, and a birthmother who did her best to stay involved.
I wish you well sir, and from now on my birthdays are no longer reserved for thoughts of you!